I know not all of you do it – but a lot of you do.
The light turns green. You lift your foot from your brake pedal and immediately begin considering what your next move should be. While you think, your car, which is perpetually “in gear” while set to “Circle-D,” begins inching – ney, MILLIMETERING – forward, red bulbs unlit, signaling your intent to move ahead. Should you change CDs? Should you add a new waypoint onto the map your GPS has so carefully drawn for you? Perhaps you shoud call your mother and apologize for all of the terrible things you put her through during your teenaged years. She’ll understand. She was young once. You were CONFUSED! Your car continues millimetering. You decide to press the accelerator pedal and think to yourself, “why does this damn car move so slowly on its own? Must get a V8.”
Why does it take so long for many of you lazy cheaters to proceed from a stop?
Here’s the way you should be thinking: “Brake pedal makes car STOP.” “Accelerator makes car GO.” “Green light means GO.”
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, asshole. GO!
You must know how … wait. You don’t, do you? You never learned to drive a car with a proper manual transmission. I’ve been here this entire time with my gear selector ready to force first and clutch pedal depressed – separating my clutch from my flywheel thereby rendering my transmission and my engine two machines ununited - and you have no idea what “D” even stands for!
I must utilize all of my limbs to successfully propel my vehicle where you may as well be at home while your car takes your dog to the vet on its own!
At least tell me you’re doing this purposefully. Tell me that you laugh to yourself each time we’re ten-and-eleven back from pole and you see me mumbling obscenities to myself as the light changes from green back to yellow. Tell me that you know how to drive, that you’re not a huge moron and that you are aware that we could all be making much better time if you would just remember what the skinny pedal on the right actually does when utilized. Tell me you’re getting some sort of assholish pleasure from this and I, of all people, will understand – for I am a road-rager and I enjoy making other pilots cry. But know – know with every fibre of your being – that I am ready to go medieval on all of your ignorant asses and … uh … lay my … hand upon … er … my horn … in vengeance!
Learn to drive.