Although I don’t talk about it often, I’m one of those people whose really cool with my learning difference. Also, as you’ve surely just noticed, I’m one of those assholes that calls it a “learning difference.” This isn’t to be PC or anything overly bleeding-heart like that. This is because Dyslexia, as it affects me, is not an out-and-out disability. It’s a pain-in-the-rear sometimes and I’ve cursed it before but I certainly wouldn’t say I have a disability - especially when it comes to my favorite hobby of cramming as much knowledge into my brain as possible.

I’m having a bad day today, though. That’s what I’ve always said to myself on days like this and those close to me may have heard me confess this aloud when I accidentally call a door a window or use an antonym even though it’s obvious I mean the opposite (I’m known to stumble over shorter/taller/longer, even if I’m gesturing it correctly). I don’t know what brings on a bad day - could be stress or perhaps it’s just when I’m trying to process too much information. Either way, today is one of those days.

On a day like today I will often find myself stuck - digging though my thoughts for the appropriate name for an object and anyone that’s around can usually see my figurative gears turning. I’ll stop mid-sentence and sometimes I’ll stare at that … whatever that thing is … I’m trying to assign a word to that I’m thinking of and if it’s a really bad day I’ll talk it out.

Stove, microwave, blender … refrigerator!

I try to only do that bit when I’m alone as I’ve been appropriately trained (through rulers slapped on desks) not to stutter. Even if no one else can tell, though, a bad day can still make me feel pretty stupid.

I went to a private religious school as a young child and in kindergarten we were learning how to read military style. We’d stand next to our desks and look up at the alphabet. First, we’d point at the letter and say it’s name aloud. Next we’d point at our mouths and pronounce it’s sound and then we’d point back up at the letter and say the name of the picture next to it.

“‘A’ - /æ/ apple”

We did the same thing with blends (bl, br, pl, pr), prefixes, suffixes and the way we learned our addition, multiplication and division was very similar. As an adult whose more inclined towards the Montessori way of teaching I’m surprised that any school in the 1980’s was using this method to teach “mainstream” kids - but for the little girl with Dyslexia it worked. It may not have worked in the way it was intended to but I can certainly read and write.

Here’s one thing I always struggle to explain and let me first say, I’m no doctor and I can’t give anyone the answer to “why.” I see words as pictures. I truly think most people do this but when I try to communicate it to them they always ask for examples and tell me how strange or interesting (read: weird) it is. The same way I look at that certain red fruit and know it’s name is apple is the way I look at letters grouped together and know what to say. I guess you could say I’ve memorized the word’s name. I cannot sound out words. Strike that (figuratively, of course, as actual strikeouts look silly and would not further my point). I can if I take what will sometimes amount to a few minutes thanks to my alphabet boot-camp. Now, at this point in my life we’re talking mostly medical and scientific terms - stuff with ten or more letters, I’m not a total barbarian - as I’ve memorized all your everyday stuff. It helps if this is a word that I’ve heard a bunch of times. Even though this becomes more and more rare with every new word I decode, it’s still pretty embarrassing when it comes to reading names that are spelled in a way I’ve never seen (thanks modern American parents!) or, more often, transliterations.

I think having two distinct alphabets in my head actually helps, though, I can’t tell you how. It’s just an idea. No one reads Slavonic anymore, anyway and people here think the Cyrillic alphabet is just a bunch of commie scribbling.

So, at private school, I ended up getting the kind of intense training older Dyslectics get before anyone even figured out I needed it. This was a miracle, in a way, and has saved me years of potential headaches.

I did have a lot of other give-a-ways when I was a kid. I couldn’t figure out how to tie my shoes till I was about nine or ten. I’m not sure exactly what this has to do with Dyslexia but I’m told by smart people in white coats that it’s “classic.” It has to somehow relate to the reason I have a terrible time following written or spoken directions in order. It sucks when you love to cook but your eyes won’t allow you to look at the next step in the recipe instead of darting around the page until, at some point, you’ve read and understand it all, just not in proper order. Same with factory service manuals, board game instructions - pretty much everything that goes this-than-that.

I also had a terrible time with “right” and “left” and on a bad day I still can’t assign these two relative directions names. It certainly doesn’t help that if you turn around you’ve effectively swapped their meaning.

I can’t read an analogue watch/clock. Look, I get the concept but if I have to stare at it for a couple minutes for it to make sense, than it’s not doing it’s job! Anyway, if “3″ were meant to mean “15″ than it would look like “15.” Can we stick to plain old base-10 with no algorithms, please.

Here’s something I’ll never forget. In first grade we started to learn cursive and this new alphabet really threw me for a loop. The first thing we learned to write was our name - and my name became “Dense.” I dropped the “i” and changed the spelling of my name for a good few months. I didn’t realize how unfortunate this new spelling was until I learned what it meant to be considered “dense” and even at five I was mortified. Now I write in some strange cursive/print blend that looks different every day. Some days I can’t even read my own writing.

Writing. Now there’s something that’s a challenge on a bad day. Say I forget a word in a sentence that I’m typing. “I went to store today” - I’ll type and I catch the mistake and go to correct it. I will invariably place the cursor after the word which I want to place the missed word before making my “corrected” sentence: “I went to store the today.” I almost always catch it after I’ve typed it but even though I do it every single time, I’ve been unable to correct this practice.

There are a few ways that Dyslexia has rendered me an absolute terrible person to deal with. The major one is that I have no patience for people who refuse to at least attempt to learn the proper terminology for equipment they come in contact with on a regular basis. I do my absolute best to never refer to any object as a “thingy” even though this can prove to be a difficult task for me some days. If you have a router in your house and it’s something you rely on every day to provide a network connection between multiple appliances in your home than you should know what it’s called! At least try to assign it a name, even if it’s the brand that stamped on it’s case. It’s been pounded into the heads of Dyslectics everywhere that no one will understand us if we use phrases like “the thing connected to the thing that gets me to the place is broken.” We will force ourselves through repetitive and exhausting exercises to memorize appropriate names for everything so that all the mainstreamers will understand what we’re trying to communicate. Dyslectic kids are the most hurt by this as they are still trying to mentally assign names to simple things like TVs and toasters. Even I’m still confused when people use improper terminology and I’m twenty-six years old. And I’m not saying do this for all of those around you that may be learning while having Dyslexia - do it so you don’t look stupid. That’s why we do it. It’s all vanity.

I’m not sure if it’s just me or if it’s all of the crazy memorization exercises that aware Dyslectics are always performing but me and a few others I’ve met share the common trait of excellent long term memory. This serves me extremely well in my line of work and I rarely have to write certain things down, such as complex passwords that I use frequently. I also tend to remember entire conversations, dreams, trivia, silly facts and the exact wording of songs, movie dialogue and emails. Don’t ever tell me or another Dyslectic something you’d wish we’d forget, because we won’t. This is great for remembering friend’s birth dates and favorite colors but when you reveal that you remember someone’s middle name because you had to check their ID once two years ago or you recite facts of a story a coworker or mere acquaintance rambled off to you in passing, people will think you are weird. Even weirder than they think you are when you call a wall a window. You will always look cool, though, when you’re the one that remembers every play of last nights game so it’s a win-lose.

As with any common learning difference there are some common Dyslectic traits - or perhaps they are straight up myths - that don’t affect me. I very rarely swap or reverse letters in a word, though, I do sometimes reverse order of words in a sentence so I suppose there is some sequencing difficulty there. I do not have ADD. I don’t suffer from any motor skills disorders … that I’m aware of. If I’m walking crooked, someone, please tell me.

I am, though (vanity), always afraid that it’s obvious and when I say something incorrectly I’m fast with my correction and apologetic for my apparent stupidity. Then I take a step back and I know that this makes me look meek and ashamed and I become angry with myself for my lack of subtlety. I’m overtly confident in most things that I do and I fear these two sides I exhibit - my Jeckyll and Hyde - will expose my biggest fear as a Dyslectic which is, simply put, looking stupid. I guess there’s an emotional element to Dyslexia just like there is anything else.

So, anyway, like I mentioned, I’m having one of my bad days and when I’m in the middle of something that’s causing me stress, I like to talk (type) it out. I wouldn’t give up my weird way of reading and assigning sounds/names to objects, though, even if it’s worked for Tom Cruise which I would argue that it didn’t. Even though he’s “cured,” he’s way weirder than I am.